does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
