You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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