im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
