Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
