Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I need moral support for this bender
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
