I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
she woke up with a sticky ear
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
