9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize