I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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