he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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