Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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