I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
