Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
