I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Found your dick twin last night
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How external is "for external use only"?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Drunk is not a location!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
