Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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