I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He has the fingertips of a God
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