God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
