I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
