omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i out mim tonsoeep
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