Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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