so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I checked into jail on foursquare
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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