im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
