mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
