After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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