Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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