Banned from zoo.
Again?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
