when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
