NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
