can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
