i just had sex bonerless
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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