; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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