you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
