i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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