don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
