I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
