Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
