final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
