Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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