every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
