I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
