Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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