I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
