I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
