Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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