if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
