Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
