you're like a bully in the Christmas story
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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