Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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