but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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