3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
