Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
