how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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