I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
