Need sex. Gaining weight.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
