i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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