If i come over, it means nothing
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
