i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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