Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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