She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
