I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
