Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
