Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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