I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize