he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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