I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
