Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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