Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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