have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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