I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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