No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
