At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
