my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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